Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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