Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
