Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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