worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
