Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
