watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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