The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
