4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
