My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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