what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
