I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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