I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
