my mouth tastes like poor choices
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
