First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
