then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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