I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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