You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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