i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
