she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
