My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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