i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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