he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
