Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
