DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
