Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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