I want to have your abortion
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
