I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize