currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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