I bet he comes in French.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
