Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
