If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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