I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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