after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
