and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
