i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
