I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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