I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
