i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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