I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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