I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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