just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
