Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
