Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize