wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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