wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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