After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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