I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
