Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
