even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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