Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
