just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
