I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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