How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
