well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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