I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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