I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
