her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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