dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
