Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
