i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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